I have come to a realization. I am not a very good friend. Well, I guess I mean to say that I'm not good at making friends.
I used to think that I was really good at making friends! And I was, er, good at having lots of friends. I think. I guess it turns out I was just a big flirt and good at making lots of guy friends :)
Since being married, I haven't been able to make friends the way I used to. It's just so different. You have your family who wants to see you more because you are not living with them anymore. You have a spouse that is your built-in date and companion to everything. So you lose the need to call a friend unless your spouse is busy. Also, I am paranoid about the appearance of anything inappropriate with someone of the opposite sex. Probably because I was such a flirt in the past! I don't ever want to have anyone think there is anything inappropriate going on. Once you throw kids into the mix, forget about it! Unless you have a friend with a child that is around the same age, or you have a nanny, you probably won't be spending much time with them.
I am also pretty selfish. I think of my dirty house and don't invite people over. Or I don't think to invite someone to something because I am doing it with my family. I want to stay in my yoga pants and be lazy instead of pulling on a pair of jeans and looking presentable. But then I think, "Wouldn't it be awesome to have a friend who could stop by and I don't care about any of that?"
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| Marina & I walking West Cliff |
I get so frustrated sometimes because I miss having a good friend to be around. I started a moms group for our ward, but with our kids it feels like we can't talk more than 30 seconds before having to run and save a child from falling in the pond. And it's always too short when I get together with a girlfriend and we have our kids with us. We take 2 bites of our lunch and have to tend to our kids. I always get home and realize we started a ton of stories but never finished them! Or I've come home from hanging out with a friend and realized that I did most (if not all of) the talking. Sorry ladies : /
My closest girlfriends that I talk to on a regular basis are my mom, Nana, my sister, and Tiana. Tiana and I have been best friends since we were 3 years old. We met in Sunbeams at church and bonded over shoes. We schemed up a plan to get our moms to buy us "big girl shoes" by telling each of our moms that the other girl had shoes with no straps on them, when in fact neither of us did! I've been a terrible friend to her at times. Mostly when I was in high school and boys were #1 priority. But, she stuck by my side and we still call each other (well, she calls me - see...bad friend) and have such a deep friendship because of everything we've been through and know about each other. She likes to tell my mom stories about us in the past...it's hilarious :) Every time I go home to visit, we lament the fact that we live so far away from each other.
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| Tiana & I in High School (pic from Natalie, thanks!) |
I admire people like the aforementioned (along with Brittni) because they are such good question askers! They think of such thoughtful things to ask me and others. They really make people feel important. I think that I'm too busy trying to make everyone laugh or too concerned with myself that I need to shift and think about who I'm with more.
I was talking to my mom about being sad that I couldn't participate in a book club. She said, "It's just not the right time for you now. You will have plenty of years to be in book clubs." She's right. Wise momma :) I think the same thing applies here. Life with young children comes with so many joys, but some of the changes and sacrifices that we make as mothers leave us feeling guilty.
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| On a date with our hubbies |
I think that this season of my life is just all-consuming. Gone are the days of leisurely lunch dates where I got to hear all of the details of my friends lives. Or double dates that could go late into the night because there wasn't a babysitter that needed to be paid and driven home waiting at home with your children. Being a mother can be very isolating. It's good, and I appreciate this time of young children. I would not trade being these girls' mommy for anything! I had a moment the other day, where the girls and I were holding hands and walking outside in the warm sunshine. My neighbor and I started talking and she said, "Do you just love watching them grow?!" I said, "Yes! It's amazing!" And I really was thinking how awesome my life is. I get to spend my days with two little people who trust me entirely and fill my heart with the biggest love I've ever felt!
Tonya shared this quote from President Gordon B. Hinckley today and it made my heart ache and my eyes fill with tears. He said, "You have nothing in this world more precious than your children. When you grow old, when your hair turns white and your body grows weary, when you are prone to sit in a rocker and meditate on the things of your life, nothing will be so important as the question of how your children have turned out...Do not trade your birthright as a mother for some bauble of passing value...The baby you hold in your arms will grow quickly as the sunrise and the sunset of the rushing days."
I guess the point of all of this was for me to get this out in the open. I needed to see the things that I do in order to correct them. I realize that I put up mental barriers that prevent me from being a better friend. Like thinking that someone works & wouldn't have time, or that someone's kids are older than mine so they wouldn't want to hang out. Even if that's the case, an invitation is always appreciated, right? Here's to being a better friend. I've been working on it, but there's always room for improvement! I hope I'm not the only one who has felt this way. Please let me know if you've found a way to remedy the bad friend syndrome!
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